Our generation is so afraid of commitment and I’ve spent countless hours awake at night trying to figure out why. I haven’t figured out yet whether we are the cause or the effect. Everyone blames social media, which I feel is a rather cheap excuse. They say our parents were from a different time when things were better and easier, and yet about half of those marriages have ended or will end in divorce.
My theory is that because our generation is waiting to get married because they are focusing on their career, they are coupling up later when things become more complicated. Once we get past the carefree time of our early 20’s, we get to the quarter life crisis and beyond, when everyone is broken and damaged from numerous failed relationships and shattered hearts.
When you have that much experience, it’s hard to start from scratch with every new person. You want to rid yourself of the baggage, but wall after wall of distrust and fear gets built around your heart and vulnerability is no longer something that comes naturally.
Therefore, many of us keep one foot out the door for as long as possible to prevent being hurt. But the funny thing is, we both end up hurt regardless. The pain is even more inevitable if you’re putting up protections all the time. A relationship will only be successful if both parties are open and committed to making it work.
And yet we continue with these uncommitted, friends with benefits relationships hoping in our delusional brains that it will somehow end well.
Newsflash: it won’t.
If you are the kind of person who loves no strings attached situations and never seeks for anything more, then this advice is not for you. But if you are like me, and want something real and lasting but continue to accept less than that, then please read, highlight, and take notes.
I’ve written about this before but it apparently hasn’t stuck yet. I am just as f***d up as the guys I keep choosing who aren’t willing to commit. We both have our issues. But I think I’ve finally realized that I deserve more and I refuse to keep living in the uncertainty of these bullsh*t relationships. Here is what I’ve learned:
Just because he makes love to you doesn’t mean he loves you.
Sex is easy. It requires nothing but another person’s body. What’s really intimate is opening yourself up to someone and being vulnerable. Telling them your hopes, dreams, and fears and allowing them to see your imperfections. And if you do that, you’re running the risk of falling for this person. But the problem is, if they aren’t being open too, then you are out on that limb by yourself. Give your love to someone who is ready and willing to receive it.
You are never going to be his priority.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness…” W.H. Murray
To keep up the facade of not caring, the person who refuses to commit to you will always make something else a priority in his or her life. Whether that be work, themselves, or someone else, the only thing you need to know is that it is not you. And if it’s not you, then why are you bothering to make them a priority to you?
He’s probably not being loyal to you.
And by loyal I mean sleeping with only you. I think for the majority of girls, we tend to develop a sort of attachment to men we are regularly sleeping with. And once we’re attached, most of us don’t have any desire to sleep with someone else. It’s definitely possible for men to feel that way too, but for most of them, if they aren’t in a relationship, they often take full advantage of the freedom.
But even if they aren’t taking advantage of that, don’t you want to have the peace of mind of knowing that they want to be exclusive with you? Without any sort of commitment, you don’t even have ground to stand on if you suspect they’ve been with other people. You can get angry, sure, but they’ve made no promises to you so nothing is really being broken.
You can’t love him into changing his mind.
This is the saddest lesson to learn, in my opinion. Sometimes you think that by being open and loving yourself that the other person will follow your lead. But, depending on how protective they are being, this can take a very long time. And most people don’t have the patience to coast along and wait that out for long enough before they give up.
You can hope that one day he will wake up and turn to you and say, “I want you to be my girlfriend,” or you could be with someone who never hesitates in his conviction of wanting that from the beginning.
Just because he won’t commit to you doesn’t mean he won’t commit to someone else.
Sometimes people get into uncommitted relationships with people they never see a future with. It’s fun, it’s easy, and they won’t get hurt. They get to have regular sex and company without risking anything. They aren’t dating you because they don’t want to date you.
Someone else might come along and change everything for them and that is when they will finally man up. They just didn’t want to with you.
When you finally get the courage and the self-respect, you will ask for what you deserve and possibly even walk away. And when you do, he will probably just let you walk away without much of a fight. That is the harshest of the realities. But the second you do that, you open yourself up to something so much better than what you were accepting. Trust in the possibilities.