Sex is Special…I Wish We Would Treat it That Way
I feel like a prude for saying this, but why don’t people take sex more seriously? I am not at all religious, but our bodies were given the gift of pleasure from sex so that we would want to bang out children and continue to populate the world. It’s kind of a big deal and a huge responsibility. Not that I am saying we should only have sex to make babies, but when did it become so trivialized?
The over saturation of porn and the way the media treats sex and sexuality sure haven’t helped the cause, but I don’t want to place the blame there. On the flip side, there are some people who think that the lack of sexual education has contributed to the prevalence of teens having sex (unprotected, no less!), but I feel like that’s even more ridiculous. I had a total of ZERO sexual education in my school and in my family and managed to wait until I was 21 to lose my virginity. Not because I had no clue what to do or what would happen if I did it, but because I’m not an idiot and couldn’t walk down the street without my friends talking about it or reading about it or seeing it on a billboard.
We could also look to dating websites, fetish websites, Craigslist, and Tinder as culprits for making hooking up way too easy and accessible and therefore lacking any semblance of something with meaning.
Anyone could argue that these factors have contributed to our attitude toward sexual relations, but really we have no one to blame but ourselves. Our generation has done a bang up job of pretending that we are devoid of any kind of feeling or emotion and that people are dispensable. We are in the midst of hook up culture where we “hit it and quit it” like it’s nothing. It’s like a game of “Whose Line Is It Anyway” where “everything is made up and the points don’t matter”. Who wants to be in a relationship when you could be having empty sex on the regular with people you barely know?!
Millennials are notorious for having friends with benefits situations and I think it’s safe to say that most of us think it’s pretty awesome in theory. No strings attached sex? Yes, please! Having your cake and eating it too? Sign me up! Toeing the line so you can decide casually if you want to be with this person? Sounds amazing! Not making a full commitment so you can focus on your selfish-ass self? Well, duh!
Unless you are an emotionless robot with a cold, dead heart it is very challenging to sustain this type of an arrangement. People are naturally inclined to want to couple up and be in a partnership. Once you’ve gone to the grey area it confuses everything. Neither of you have any ground to stand on and any type of real communication usually flies out the window for fear of losing or asking for too much. Feelings are inevitably going to get involved from one or both people and then when it blows up in your face (which it will) you will suffer a heartbreak just as bad as if it were an actual breakup. Trust me I know because I spent the majority of my 20’s in this pattern.
Does that sound fun anymore? No.
And this is where I feel like the conversation has to be divided into the difference of the sexes. This is definitely not always the case, but I feel like friends with benefits relationships usually end because the female wants something more. She isn’t having fun anymore because she is being fueled by an emotional anxiety that resulted from feelings of insecurity and confusion. Why is she feeling insecure and confused? Because human beings aren’t meant to be having no strings attached sex!!! It’s not in our nature, and when I say “our” I am referring to women only. Our bodies are just wired differently. We release Oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone”, during sex which makes us more prone to falling in love. Scientists don’t know why it is that women release more of this hormone, but my theory is that whomever created our bodies (God? Allah? Science?) wanted to make sure we would bond with our baby daddy.
Men’s bodies are wired to spread their seed and knock up as many women as possible with their strong genes. Just kidding. But really, if men don’t release as much Oxytocin during sex then they aren’t nearly as susceptible to becoming attached to their partners. Hence the reason that many men I know, especially in the loveless city of LA, are running up quite a tab of  conquests. They can get their rocks off and continue about their day (or night) and maybe never want to see that person again. Which is why many dating manuals warn women of sleeping with a man too quickly. If he hasn’t developed some concrete feelings of interest yet once the sex has been had, he may want to move on. I am not in any way saying that all men are heartless, but I think the keys to their heart are just unlocked in a different way.
I can’t help but feel like us girls are just a bunch of holes to some guys. When I confronted a guy I was semi-regularly, yet casually, sleeping with about sleeping with another girl his response was something like this, “I NEED to have sex. That is something that I just need.” Okay, RAPIST. If you NEED to get off that bad then use your fucking hand! Don’t troll your local bar looking for the drunkest chick to help you release your bullshit tension. He finished up that statement with something like, “sex means something different with you” to which I wanted to punch him right in his teeth. But would that have been fair? We weren’t a couple. Just because I developed feelings and saw the sex as something more serious doesn’t mean he did or had to.
But guys, please take responsibility for your part in this and realize that difference. If we are fooling around and we say anything even remotely close to this statement, “let’s just have fun”, DO NOT BELIEVE US! We think that’s what you want to hear, and in turn you think that’s what we actually want, and I am here to tell you that we DO NOT. It is NOT just fun. It is a big deal and we’re hoping that you think of us as the “cool chick” who didn’t make any demands of you. But you remember the girl who you slept with twice who became a stage 5 clinger and wouldn’t stop blowing up your phone? She’s not crazy. I repeat, SHE’S NOT CRAZY, as most of you would love to label her as. She developed feelings and is having trouble managing them. She’s not a psycho stalker, she is a person with a heart in her body.
She wanted it just as much as you, I know. She was throwing herself at you and you were both drunk and it was just relaxed and easy. I get it. If you are willing to suffer the consequences, be my guest. Because here is the thing: when you share your body with someone it’s bound to make you feel at least a little bit vulnerable. And women like to feel taken care of and when they feel a sense of attachment to someone they start to desire being treated that way. If you don’t want us to sleep over, text us the next day, call us a cab home, get us a drink of water, or make plans to see us again it’s disappointing and hurtful. We may not show it, but it is.
Maybe my friends and I are more sensitive than the majority of women, but I doubt it. I’m sure there are some of you who are reading this and shaking your head and being like, “I love casual sex. It’s empowering. I don’t ever get attached.” I think you are the exception to the rule. And also, I think you’re lying. Even my friends who have uttered words similar to that were in denial and told me later that they got hurt.
This is why I wish we could all stop fooling ourselves into thinking that hooking up has no gravity or consequences. It is an incredibly intimate thing and it is meant for two people who care about each other. We are so deluded into thinking that it’s what all the cool kids are doing and that it will be a lively benefit to our lives. I’ve gone a year and a half without sex. And in that time, I was never feeling excessively vulnerable and anxious and like my heart had been shat in. Leave all those feelings for when you fall in love and start over-analyzing their every move. At least then you know you have someone who will (hopefully) listen to you with empathy and calm your fears.
Of course you will go through phases of your life when you need to be single to focus on your self but would still like to hook up. In this case, as long as you establish to the partner what you are looking for, hopefully that can work for both of you. (It probably won’t, but you can try.)
I really think people should only be in two different stages if they aren’t in a relationship:
Single and learning to love themselves to become a whole and healthy person, which means no sex at all.
Single and dating and only having sex when they have been on several dates with the same person and know that there is a mutual interest.
Yeah it’s boring and lonely sometimes but imagine the things you could accomplish and how much you could learn about yourself when your brain isn’t constantly obsessing about sex! Guys, I know you do that regardless, but I challenge you to try and cut down on the amount of partners if, for nothing else, the sake of feelings getting hurt.
Oh I know, I know, some women want sex just as much if not more than a man does. But maybe we could start treating it as something special or something that needs to be earned. Isn’t it nice when a man respects you and your body? And trust me, I am not always practicing what I preach. I have slip-ups and sometimes revert into an, “I don’t give a fuck” state of mind. But I am learning and progressing and hoping that I can inspire some of you to do the same.
And seriously, do you really want to go home with that person THAT bad? You could order greasy-ass pizza and watch Will & Grace re-runs like I do and get a full 8 hours of sleep. Doesn’t that seem almost just as good?!
That is my advice. One article probably won’t change your mind and you all have to learn from your mistakes on your own. But knowing is the first step. 🙂
xx
Lover Lo
